Reviews from

Dark Covenant

Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "The Evil Within"
The Berwick Witches Series: Book One

22 total reviews 
Comment from nassus1957
Excellent
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But of course Jessie was possessed by the succubus and that evil thing is using Jessie's body to do harm to others like Karl, who happens to be Jessie's best friend. The fact that Karl survived the attack is a mystery that adds mystery to the story. The next chapter will clear out what happens to Jessie. Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 02-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 02-Dec-2015
    Thank you very much for your review.
Comment from alvina224224
Good
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Engrossing chapter, amahara. First I have read of your book, as I am not a horror aficionado, but I can imagine it is as well written as this is.
Couple of small points...the para that begins 'Jesse never answered... like a statue, not stature, and further on check the word 'continued'
Point 2... would recommend a stop after 'Jessie's face. It was dark, '
Point 3...Inverted commas after 'help us as we speak".


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 Comment Written 02-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 02-Dec-2015
    Thank you for reviewing. I'll make those correction.
Comment from c_lucas
Excellent
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Obviously some type of demon has taken control of Jessie. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.

 Comment Written 02-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 02-Dec-2015
    Thank you Charlie.
Comment from giraffmang
Excellent
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Hi there,

It's been quite some time but this picks up at a quick pace, moving things forward well. Good dialogue and the interactions are well drawn and believable.

It may be an idea to maintain the presentation of the word 'succubus' as you use both capital and lower case at present - just for consistency.

underware - underwear.

Fearing that Karl might die, homicide detectives were called in and the kitchen was treated like a murder scene - would this be 'normal' practice. Surely Karl would have been rushed to the hospital before someone decided to outline his still living body?

something fishing about him - fishy?

All the best
GMG

 Comment Written 02-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 02-Dec-2015
    Thank you for reviewing. You could be right about that, "Fearing Karl might die scene. I might take out.
Comment from Mastery
Excellent
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Hi, Harriet. Excellent chapter. You didn't get rusty while you were away, that's for sure. I love this imagery: "There were broken dishes and shattered glassware everywhere. In the middle of it all was Karl. His face was bloody and twice its normal size; his eyes were swollen shut, and there were deep slashes on his face, neck and torso. Karl's legs and right arm were twisted; he held his side with his good hand and seemed to jerk with every breath he took. His clothing was shredded--soaked with blood and his left shoulder looked like it had been in a meat grinder."

Suggestion: "Jessie never answered, but stood like a statue looking out of the window." (Jessie didn't answer, but stood like a statue as he continued to stare out the window.) sounds a bit better, perhaps.

Bravo, my friend. Bob

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
    Hey, buddy. Yeah, you're right. It does read better. I'll change it right away. I'm glad to be back. I really missed you guys. Oh, I just had a birthday. My kids traveled from out of town to take me on a Dinner cruise. I really enjoyed myself. Blessings to you, your lovely wife, and kids.
reply by Mastery on 02-Dec-2015
    :) Bob
Comment from Jay Squires
Excellent
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Welcome back, Ama. By the way good luck with your work on The Animal Doctor. It's good to have this story back on FanStory. I missed reading it. Strangely, I remembered with almost perfect recall the last chapter you posted. You did a fine job with maintaining tension and suspense with the Succubus possessing Jessie's body.

I found only one nit:

and there were blood on the walls, [...and there WAS blood on the walls, ...]

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
    Hey, glad to be back, buddy. I'll make that correction right away. You're a real trooper to remember my last post so long ago.
Comment from cj lutton
Excellent
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Great tempo and setting of mood. The sense of growing gloom and doom is palpable. Fantastic story telling.
Congratulations!!!

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
    thank you.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Excellent
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This is well written, as usual, but I think you waited too long to continue the story, or else I have a bad memory, but I don't remember enough to make sense of this new chapter. I've forgotten the story, I'm afraid. I think it would be better to post no more than two weeks apart, or just write the whole book first, and THEN start posting every two days. I did that once and it was so easy... no pressure. :)

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
    Thank you for reviewing, Phyllis. I had no control over the length. I told everyone in July I had to leave. Prior to that I posted regularly. Nice to be back.
reply by Phyllis Stewart on 01-Dec-2015
    Nice to have you back. I'm surprised you couldn't reach FS from over there. Do you know why that is?
Comment from royowen
Excellent
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Wow what has happenened to Jessie, and where has he gone? The nasty "thing" that demon has quite obviously occupied him and went berserk in the process of endeavouring to kill or badly main poor old Karl! Uncle Ward thinks he knows after the police had responded to the next door neighbour's call to the police. Poor Karl, been torn apart by an occupied Jessie. So well done. Amhara, been awhile since the last episode I've read. Blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
    Thank you roy. Always look forward to you reviews. Blessings.
reply by royowen on 01-Dec-2015
    Most welcome Amhara.
Comment from randman58
Excellent
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Well written chapter. I have not read the previous installment so the preview was very helpful. It has a good storyline and the characters are believable. I take it the neighbor is established in previous chapters as eves dropper. An engaging piece that keeps the readers interest. Well done.

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2015


reply by the author on 01-Dec-2015
    Thank you so much randman58.