Reviews from

Sugar Baby

A grieving mother finds a replacement for her lost child.

33 total reviews 
Comment from laschomer
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Wow. Your story is hauntingly surreal. You make the reader feel a part of the scene, like they are there. Poor rachel I feel sorry for her character . You made me want to read what happens next. Unbelieveablely chilling .

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

Comment from Lu Saluna
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Whoah! This one gives Rosemary's Baby a run for it's money! What a horror and thriller story, I usually have a pretty thick skin but this one had mine crawling. The mother bear love taken to the ultimate extreme.
What a fantastic contest entry, you have my vote. Best of luck to you.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

Comment from William Ross
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

this is a wonderfully well written story, fits the prompt great. wonderful story, should do well on this. Best of luck with this and have a great day.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

Comment from N.K. Wagner
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

A truly perfect horror story. Excellent pacing. Wonderful character development. A professional quality piece--and I hate horror stories. :) Nancy

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

Comment from Brett Matthew West
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Grief can indeed cause a person to some of the most despicable things.

Interesting storyline and perspective.

Good characterizations written into the telling of this story.

Should make an interesting entry into this contest.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

Comment from oliver818
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

That was brilliant! So
Exciting and creepy yet real
At the same time. I really enjoyed it. Thanks so
Much for sharing!

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

Comment from Edgar Holtz
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Great story. Extremely graphic and entertaining. Actually, a bit too graphic for my taste, but great writing, none the less. It flows well and keeps the reader engaged. You have a lot of talent.

Here are just a few suggestions that I believe will clean things up a bit. Otherwise, it is great story.

"She crossed the dusty courtyard and stepped into the building." - I would tighten this up a bit. She crossed the dusty courtyard and entered the building.

"she didn't much care: she had long-since" I would lose the semi-colon and just break that up into two sentences.

"Or possibly- probably- he was already aware of what was going on..." - Omit needless words. I would just say, "He was probably already aware of what was going on."

"Red streaks ran up and down her sister's wasted, skeletal body, pointing to a systematic infection." - I would get rid of "pointing to a systematic infection" It distracts from a intense moment with some really vivid description.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

Comment from Heidi M
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Wow! That was intense and so well-written. It definitely earns the title of 'horror' story! The plot kept me glued to my chair and I don't usually read horror stories.
Your descriptions were great.
One suggestion:
I think it should be 'systemic' infection
Well done, PV!

 Comment Written 05-Nov-2016

Comment from KjSilver
Excellent
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Wow. Very interesting. Written very well, timed well, and flowed nicely.

Here's maybe a couple things I caught.
I've got a few things to..." (dashes are meant for interruptions.)

I need to know that she's alright." (all right)

The sink was full of moldering dishes (molding)


 Comment Written 05-Nov-2016

Comment from Jackarrie
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi
A very good story that held me from the beginning right to the end. I was expecting a child that had mental difficulties, simply because of A grieving mother finds a replacement for her lost child. But I was surprised at the end. It is a horror story after all.

Well done Mary


 Comment Written 05-Nov-2016