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Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Bargain basement"
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10 total reviews 
Comment from BeasPeas
Excellent
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Loved this. I'm already out of sixers and it's only Tuesday. I enjoyed the whole premise. Love looking at property on-line and on HGTV. Cleverly described. Great job. Good luck in the contest. Marilyn

 Comment Written 14-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 14-Aug-2018
    Thanks very much, Marilyn, your comments are very kind. The contest was over a while back. No win, but it was fun to enter :) Cheers, Craig
Comment from Sarkems
Excellent
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This is a fun take on the original tale. I can think of a few things I might do if I had an invisibility potion, but I'd never thought about using it to reduce a house price, lol. Nicely done

 Comment Written 08-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 08-Aug-2018
    Thank you for the kind comments. Yes, it wouldn't be my first choice - maybe 3rd or 4th :)
Comment from Nanny 6
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Awesome story! It flowed so well, and your story telling is to be commended. Your description of the house and each room, even the bathroom, had me in there, visualizing it very clearly. Very creative story for sure. Good luck in the contest!
Judy

 Comment Written 06-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
    Thank you so much for the delightful comments and the awesome rating, Judy. I'm glad you enjoyed my story :)
Comment from trimple
Excellent
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Good morning to you, Craig

A soft click, then a warm glow illuminated the foyer, revealing glass sliding doors to either side and a mahogany staircase directly in front of them.--nice description.

{For the second time that evening,} [Not sure if you need to confirm what we already know ] Julie screamed, as a large volume fell from the second-to-top shelf on the far wall, crashing loudly to the floor.

Laura beamed at the {completely} [ naked is complete, so I'm not sure you need to add this here] naked male figure in front of her.

Now, look at you, standing there without a stitch on. You'll catch your death. Why don't we head up those stairs and see if we can't find a way to warm you up?" --

Brilliant 'tongue-in-cheek' end to this story.

A most surprising tale that didn't go down the ole ghost route.

much enjoyed

kind regards

trimple






 Comment Written 06-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
    Hi Trimple,

    I'm not sure how you recognised me as the author, as it's a blind contest, so the author shouldn't be identified in the listing. Please tell me it's because, like Shakespeare, my writing is unique lol

    Thanks for the most useful comments. I removed the "completely" from before naked, as suggested. I hung on to the other one, probably for no good reason.

    Glad you enjoyed, and much appreciated.
reply by trimple on 06-Aug-2018
    Good morning, Craig.

    As I fanned you recently and I know that many writers here enter blind competitions... I pop over to those I enjoy reading, just in case.

    Of course, your writing is unique. Like everyone else's, although some are more unique than others :)

    trimple

reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
    Mystery solved!

    So, I'm unique, just like everyone else? That is the sort of statement to do one's head in!

    (And it sounds very Pythonesque)

    Thanks again :-)
reply by trimple on 06-Aug-2018
    Wel I am British and Python is the most delicious form of intelligent humour I know :)
Comment from Robbie Yates
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Ah - this is brilliant. I love the witty one-liners ("Oh, Jerry. I'm a forty-something year old working woman. To half the population, I already am invisible" / "Pool room and bar," Brent corrected her, a wry grin on his face). The chemistry between Brent and Julie was great, too, and added to the juiciness of the story. I didn't see the ending coming (I was thinking poltergeist!) - well done!

 Comment Written 06-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 06-Aug-2018
    Thank you so much for the delightful rating, and the very kind comments. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story :-)
Comment from giraffmang
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Hi there,

not so subtle nods to the rocky horror Picture Show here with the character names Julie/Janet, Brent/Brad.

Nice take on the subject matter and fits the brief well.

Few things I noted as I read-

"Please, lets." - should probably still have the apostrophe in here for let's.

"How on Earth did that happen?" I'm so sorry. I will most certainly have the maintenance people look at that first thing in the morning." - there's an extra speech mark in here.

I can stand and look out over the garden while I paint." - need opening speech marks here.

Thousands upon thousands of volumes ensured there was no vacant space. / When three more books, spaced a few feet from each other - this would appear contradictory. it's the use of spaced which suggests nothing between them.

Books from everywhere began flying off the shelf, - how did one man manage to achieve this on his own? it's a bit too much almost. he also had to do this, get ahead of them on the stairs and write the message.

All the best
GMG

 Comment Written 05-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
    Gman,

    Thanks for catching the missing/extra quotes/apostrophe. It seems, no matter how many times I check, one or two almost always manage to slip through.

    Regarding the "continuity/believability" issue, I'll give it some thought. A typical male human has a wing span of six feet or so, and if they are agile, scooping out a few books at a time with each hand, then moving on, I think they could create a reasonable appearance of books flying from everywhere. In my mind, he started from the corner furthest from the doorway, and worked his way around, until he was at the door. Given that Brent had to coax his girlfriend up from the floor, hug her and whisper in her ear, before taking her hand to flee, I felt that was enough time for Griffin to get ahead of them. Also, I deliberately had the couple pause on the stairway until they were of the opinion the wall hangings has ceased flying. That gave Jerry enough time to get to the door and write the single word. Perhaps I could have done a better job of explaining all that, but I'm wary of trying to "justify" myself by throwing in a bunch of extra verbiage that just bogs the story down.

    Many thanks for the comments, appreciated.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Excellent
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You need to get a better camera flash. I could see faintly see the house. This is an excellent entry in the contest. According to my personal psychic advisor, you will win and send me half the funny money. Thanks in advance.

 Comment Written 05-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
    I'm glad to have the benefit of your psychic advisor. Mine got hit by a bus -- he didn't see that coming. The money is already on the way, in anticipation. Cheers.
Comment from Miranda Langston
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this was an incredibly entertaining piece. you had my attention as soon as the stove went "pop!" and your writing is amazingly descriptive. great job on the contest entry. i hope you win

 Comment Written 05-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
    Thanks so much for the wonderful comments and good wishes. I'm very grateful for the kindness.
Comment from tfawcus
Excellent
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An entertaining response to the challenge. Nice tension between the young couple's desire to buy and the agent's covert schemes to put them off. It sounds as though the invisible man is about to make himself tangible.

 Comment Written 05-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
    Well, I think he was trying to be subtle about it, but I suspect she saw right through him. Many thanks for the kind words.
Comment from Alexander Vasa
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Hi, the house hunting expedition from hell, lol. What a funny, crazy story. You do a good job of writing this. Your premise is great and the location, as are the characters and their realistic dialogue. I liked the part when the things are flying off the walls as they make their way downstairs and out over the lawn. Vivid images and it made for a very entertaining read. I won't be house hunting any time soon, heh heh

Cheers, Ana.

 Comment Written 05-Aug-2018


reply by the author on 05-Aug-2018
    That's a shame, I think I could pick up a real bargain for you :)

    Many thanks for the delightful comments.