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Lost Souls of Silver Creek

Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Lost Souls of Silver Creek"
An unknown preacher shows up in a vile town

7 total reviews 
Comment from Gail Denham
Excellent
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Do these two parts connect in some ways - we're headed for Northern Nev next week for a few days - we enjoy visiting the ghost towns - taking picture. You mention the man owned "every SORE and tired building" - did you mean SORE?
Typical up and down of those silver/gold mining towns. They packed up and moved in a flash when new ore was discovered somewhere
Story read well.

 Comment Written 21-Sep-2019

Comment from Mistydawn
Excellent
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This is a great beginning to a very promising story. It's well-written, interesting. Both parts leave you curious about what's next. I look forward to reading the next chapter.

 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

Comment from robyn corum
Excellent
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Stan,

Very interesting beginning here. Intriguing, to be sure. I'm afraid for our miner. Her may have run up on a clever individual who does NOT have his best interests at heart.

Notes:
1.) Dirk Blake was (the) first one to greet the old-timer since

2.) He owned nearly every (store) and tender building in town

3.) Before Hosea closed his grit(-)baked eyes from his wilderness journey, (h)e pulled his locket out,

Thanks!


 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

Comment from Alex Rosel
Excellent
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The first chapter of any novel usually needs to set the place and time, and that's what you've achieved here {smiles}.

Here are a few points you might like to consider:

Dirk Blake was first one to greet the old-timer since he'd bought up the near vacant town for two bits on the dollar. -- If this was mine, I'd reword the first part to read "Dirk Blake was the first one to greet the old-timer...", or "Dirk Blake was first to greet the old-timer..."
As to the "since he'd bought up the near vacant town for two bits on the dollar", I'm not sure why Dirk Blake's childhood background means he's more likely to greet the old-timer. Am I missing something?

he knew the miner's gaping mouth would bring in more money than the nugget itself -- I'm assuming this is foreshadowing. Neat {smiles}.

Before Hosea closed his grit baked eyes from his wilderness journey, He pulled his locket out, -- I wouldn't capitalize "he" as you've done, not unless "He" refers to God.

 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

Comment from giraffmang
Excellent
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Hi there,

A good solid start to the story here. Setting is quickly established and an introduction to some of the characters.

A gristly old man rode his sagging mule into town- is gristly correct here (full of gristle) or perhaps grizzly? Struck me as an odd descriptor.

He fired his six-shooter - it's only a small detail but you can add more authenticity and weight to the piece by naming the weapon. (Remington, Starr or so on)

Dirk Blake was first one to greet the old-timer- was the first.

With his pale horse Ginger tethered to a scrub brush. - maybe insert commas either side of Ginger here.

There on the plain in his world void of human contact, - maybe a comma after plain.

remembered her tangled ravine hair, - should that be raven rather than ravine (big gorge)?

and found sleeps seductive escape - sleep's.


 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

Comment from JudyE
Good
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This has the makings of an entertaining Western story. At the moment, there seems no connection between the two parts but if this is just chapter 1, I'm sure it will all become clear further on. The content is interesting but there are quite a few spags so I'm giving four stars. I'm happy to give five after some revisions have been made.

A gristly old man rode his sagging mule - should be 'grisly'

The miner held the one-pound nugget in his gnarled hand for all the world to see or for the few left - comma after 'see'

Dirk Blake was first one to greet the old-timer - should be 'was the first one'

With his pale horse Ginger tethered to a scrub brush. - this doesn't make sense. Maybe 'His pale horse, Ginger, was tethered to a scrub brush.

There on the plain in his world void of human contact, he tore - commas after 'there' and 'plain'

a lonesome coyote howled unseen, and he like the coyote needed a place to be heard - commas after 'he' and 'coyote'

Before Hosea closed his grit baked eyes from his wilderness journey, He pulled his locket out, looked at his wife - I might have rearranged this to: 'Before Hosea closed his eyes, grit-baked from his wilderness journey'. Also hypenate 'grit-baked' and lower case for 'he pulled out his locket'

remembered her tangled ravine hair, and the soft pillowed flesh of her skin - commas after 'tangled' and soft'. Spelling - 'raven'

he managed to forget about the wolves and found sleeps seductive escape - comma after 'wolves' and apostrophe needed in 'sleep's seductive...'

Best wishes
Judy


 Comment Written 20-Sep-2019

Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Excellent
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I enjoyed your descriptive words and the first part of the story hooked me in and I loved the closing sentence. However the second part of the story didn't seem to fit in with the first for me, this is just an observation. Planning a good story is not easy, but I must say your write was rich and enjoyable, love Dolly x

 Comment Written 19-Sep-2019