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Par Angusta Ad Augusta

Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Chapter 15"
Through Trial to Triumph

3 total reviews 
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Excellent
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This Chapter 15 speaks a sad story through an appreciable taletelling backed by progressive plot development and fostered by some realistic dialogues and characters; good beginning and resolved factual ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR

 Comment Written 03-Oct-2020


reply by the author on 04-Oct-2020
    Thank you.
Comment from robyn corum
Good
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T,

Well, things seem to be going well all-around. Jefferson is getting along with his date and Monica has her own date lined up. The kids SEEM to be adjusting.

But I have to be honest with you, T. I'm not sure how long a reader will follow this story. There is not much happening. A story needs some impactful moments that make the story rise and fall - exciting times and times to recoup, sort of. This story is more like a flat line -- not much going on in any of the places. I'm sorry - I truly don't mean to offend. The writing is good - it's the plot that concerns me.

Other notes:
1.) Having watched Monique operating her wheelchair, Anya extended her hand
--> what does this mean? What does the one thing have to do with the other?

2.) She promised to help Anya look to see if(no space) , on the off chance, he was in her inventory.

3.) agreed her workday ended at 5:30. That evening, she had zipped out the door around 6:00.
--> just to me, this read a little weird? If she got off at 5:30, it seems more likely that she 'lingered' until 6:00. Though I do understand why she WOULD BE zipping. haha

4.) It wasn't the first night she'd gone out. She usually
--> so she lives in?

5.) that we're drinking already is the best thing, but who am I to talk(?)"

6.) "(W)e can definitely skip that awkward moment where we

7.) still laughing. Jefferson nodded, finding this story very amusing to tell ... at least, this part of it.
--> what is amusing? The fact of all of them stuffed into one apartment by itself doesn't seem that funny one way or another. Awkward, irritating, frustrating, chaotic, but not necessarily humorous - can you actually share some tiny thing that happened that MADE it humorous?

8.) But she did wonder how these kids had wound up suddenly living with their uncle, but that again would stay in her head.
--> 2x'but'

9.) "Fair enough(,)" he conceded. "So, about that second date?"

10.) If I was Jefferson, I would be slightly put off by her remark about just being happy this date went okay

11.) it was best to part ways at the restaurant. Linda's (ride) arrived first(.)

That's it. Hope you find something useful here. Thanks!




 Comment Written 24-Sep-2020


reply by the author on 24-Sep-2020
    ll good. It is a balancing act I am working on perfecting. Thank you for your continuing support.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2020
    Thank you again. I first wrote this story in the late 2000s. It's been interesting experience updating this in terms of my evolving writing and the technology, etc.
Comment from Ben B.
Excellent
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"...feared that he would need a long bathroom break." Yeah, I know what she meant (wink). So I take it the first went well. Does neither Jefferson nor Linda have any experience prior to their first date?

 Comment Written 23-Sep-2020


reply by the author on 23-Sep-2020
    They know each other, but it is their first date with one another. Thanks for reviewing.