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Par Angusta Ad Augusta

Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Chapter 35"
Through Trial to Triumph

4 total reviews 
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Excellent
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Yeah! Masterful work with the hearing--suspense--then the judge seeming to imply she won't grant custody--then the clever twist. Fine work. Cheers. LIZ

 Comment Written 04-Oct-2020


reply by the author on 04-Oct-2020
    Thank you kindly.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Excellent
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What does a law professor know about handling this sort of a situation? It is obvious he is going from moment to moment and relying on his instincts. Eventually, I'm sure, he will get the hang of how children need comfort and security and will be able to fit into the role that is needed.
How have these issues suddenly piled up and doesn't he remember that Monique is waiting for him? The story has much depth.

Ralf


 Comment Written 02-Oct-2020


reply by the author on 02-Oct-2020
    Thank you kindly.
Comment from robyn corum
Average
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Teols,

A horrifying chapter with the kinds of situations that no one ever wants to hear or think about. Abigail was lucky someone was so close.

This chapter was a little frustrating for me. I've made notes for you and hope you will consider some of the things I'm offering. In any story, your characters have to act appropriately and in a way that's true to the way you've 'built' them up for the reader. Though you do have a very good writing style and obvious talent, I didn't feel like you thought this all the way through. (Notes -- I'll try to show you what I'm talking about. And remember, I am not trying to be rude, I promise. But I always try to be honest and tell folks what I'D like to hear.)

Notes:

1.) she streaked across the front yard, making a beeline (toward) Jefferson

2.) Abigail from his legs and was now crouching down at eye-level with the crying child.
--vs--
"Abigail," he said as calmly as he could despite knowing his niece was on the verge of tears
--> it seems she was already crying??

3.) Abigail began to cry.
--> already crying

4.) With help from Amy and Dawn, Jefferson was able to persuade Abigail to somewhat describe
--> watch for all these instancces of 'was' and 'were', etc., in your sentences. They are often a big red flag that you are using 'passive' voice. (The stuff is happening TO the character rather than the character acting in the situation around him.) In each case, take a hard look at what you're saying and then edit it/shape it into more 'active' verbiage. Same sentence, edited:
--> With help from Amy and Dawn, Jefferson persuaded Abigail to somewhat describe
--> go through out the post and work on these -- if you have qs, holler

5.) He didn't get a chance to do worse, though according to her story
--> just used 'worse' in the sentence before this one

6.) Aaron had tried to stop her, but she whirled around and sank her teeth into one of his fingers. She then kept running.
--> this is a bit of a stretch for me. He is holding a knife, right? So if she stopped long enough to bite him, how come he didn't use the knife? Would you consider having him drop it in the struggle - when she first got away and he starts after her? Some time during the sneeze and escape...

7.) gotta remember that Abigail came straight to you when it happened.
--> this might be comforting, but I don't think it applies to what happened here. You're comparing THIS scene with a situation where an abuser works with darkness and secrecy, with threats and pain. Here, the guy was actually in the process of chasing her at the time. She was ESCAPING. To be perfectly honest, she would have probably run to ANY adult available, right?

8.) You're gonna spend the rest of the night up here in my bed, all right?"
--> huh? Abigail is the one crying and the one who has had to face a difficult situation AND the one with the bad dream - but Jefferson is inviting TAYLOR into his bed?

I hope you'll find something useful here. I hope I won't offend you with my honesty. (It's all to help, not to hurt.)

Only you know what you're trying to achieve here, so use what works - if anything- and toss the rest.

Thanks - please let me know if you edit.







 Comment Written 30-Sep-2020


reply by the author on 30-Sep-2020
    Thank you. I will go through this.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2020
    Thanks again for taking the time. I agree with most of your points and am editing. Point 6: I'll leave as is. The chase/biting is Abigail's version of events and she wouldn't have thought to account for the knife's whereabouts when recounting. Point 8: I'll leave as is. Jefferson wanted to tend to Abigail and needed to "get Taylor out of the way".
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Excellent
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Awesome, Abigail manage to escape and she is trusting her uncle one hundred percent. I think the kids are in good hands with Jefferson. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.

 Comment Written 30-Sep-2020


reply by the author on 30-Sep-2020
    Thank you very much.