General Poetry posted March 11, 2022


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Lent 2022

The Lenten Lentil

by HarambeForPresident

The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
I am just entering this to add to the prize pool for those who entered the contest I hosted; please vote for one of the other entries. I am not observing Lent, but I am curious how others are observing it, hence these contests.

In addition to the requisite daily banana, Harambe has been eating lentils pretty much every day during Lent. It wasn't as a joke -- Harambe has been on a tight food budget and that is what he could afford to eat while working on an Amazon wage with limited working hours available.

These lentils usually come out pretty good, with lots of onions and ginger and garlic and homemade ghee. Harambe even throws in a cabbage for leafy greens to make it a gorilla-certified diet.

Did you know that hundreds of millions of people live on just rice and lentils every day? It is the most common and affordable meal in the world, yet also one of the most healthy. A couple decades ago, if you could afford oil to go with your rice and lentils, you were moving up in the slum world.

Lentils contain all essential amino acids although they are a bit low in methionine as well as cysteine. This can be ameliorated by serving them with rice, which has higher methionine. Soaking lentils for a few hours before eating makes them easier to digest, and full-on sprouting improves their nutritional content.

For some reason though, the lentils Harambe made today sucked ass, and he is still trying to figure out why. The most probable explanation seems to be: wrong type of lentil. Red lentils are preferable. The brown ones have a lot more tannins, and take a lot of rinsing and extra flavor to get out the bitterness.

Maybe that is why people don't care for Lent so much. Getting to Easter Sunday makes you appreciate how much more pleasant normal life and normal food without lentils can be.

When my dad was growing up in an Indian boarding school, they served him lentils with rice every meal for years and years and years. Now he fucking hates lentils. You would too.

Final thought: One night earlier this week in bad weather, I accidentally parked partially obstructing a neighbor's mailbox (it is street parking) and a very large woman came over and banged very loudly on the door, rudely yelling about a fucking car blocking her driveway (it was not). My housemate said "ok, I'll tell him". I moved the car immediately to avoid any conflict -- and when I did I noticed the neighbor across the street has a "happy Easter" sign up next to her front door that keeps blowing over. Maybe it's a sign from God that she should not be celebrating Easter yet, and does not know how to be happy because she does not know about observing Lent before Easter. People who celebrate Christmas right after Halloween, and ignore Thanksgiving -- how do they ever learn to wait for things? They must live perpetually miserable lives.



Lent 2022, Week 2 contest entry
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