Humor Fiction posted April 23, 2017

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Questions for a prospective husband.

The Cautious Woman

by prettybluebirds

"Hey, Old Girl, what do you say we get hitched? I'm ready if you are. Besides, I'm getting tired of my cooking, and my apartment is a pigsty."

"Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing ever made by the Hand above--a woman's heart and a woman's life, and a woman's wonderful love?"

"Huh, what kind of drivel is that? I thought you wanted to get married; you're always bugging me about it. We get along great and like the same things, what more could you ask, Sweetheart?

"Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing as a child might ask for a toy; demanding what others have died to win, with the reckless dash of a boy?"

"That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard, Jessica. I can't think of anyone who has died for your love. However, I might if you don't quit feeding me these silly quotes, or whatever they are, and just give me a simple yes."

"You have written my lesson of duty out, man-like you have questioned me--now stand at the bar of my woman's soul until I shall question thee."

"Shoot, Baby; I'm all ears. I don't know why you're talking so weird, though."

"You require a cook for your mutton and beef; I require a far better thing--a seamstress your wanting for stockings and shirts--I look for a man and a king."

"What the hell? I don't even like mutton, but you do the best grilled steak of anyone I know. That shirt you made me for Christmas was neat, but you don't have to sew for me, I can afford to buy clothes for both of us. As for being a man, there ain't a more manly man than me to be found. That king stuff I don't know about, but I will do my best. Why are you quoting all this strange stuff anyhow?"

"I am fair and young, but the rose will fade from my soft, young cheek one day. Will you love me then, mid the falling leaves, as you did mid the bloom of May?"

"Well, of course, but---

"Is your heart an ocean so strong and deep I may launch my all on its tide? A loving woman finds heaven or hell on the day she is made a bride."

"Haven't I always treated you right, Babe? I bought you that new set of cookware just two weeks ago. Oh yeah, I got you flowers on Valentine's Day too, remember? And don't forget the motorcycle boots I gave you last year."

"I require all things that are grand and true, all things that a man should be; if you give this all, I would stake my life to be all you demand of me."

"If you cannot do this, a laundress and cook you can hire with little to pay; but a woman's heart and a woman's life are not to be won that way."

"Okay, Jessica, now let me tell you something. I'm only a common ordinary man, with a man's flaws and a man's point of view. As men go, I think I'm better than a lot of those dope heads and alcoholics out there. Sure, I like to have a few beers now and then, and play pool with the guys on occasion, but all-in-all, you could do a lot worse than me."

"I am a hard worker and will promise to support you the best I can. I'm not a woman chaser, except for you, and am faithful to a tee. My dog will vouch for me on that last item. I'm kind to kids, animals, and old folks. Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, I'm not one of those fellas who miss the toilet when they pee, and I never leave the lid up. My mother pounded that into me at a young age. If you want, I will give you a list of my virtues and my flaws, so you know what you're getting. As for now, I'm getting tired of this nonsense, and want only a simple yes or no. What do you say, Honey?"

What did you say? Dialog Challenge contest entry


The quotes are from the poem, A Woman's Question by Lena Lathrop. It was one of my favorite in High School. We had to pick a poem to memorize and read to the class. This was my choice. The poem came from a very old book of poetry called, Poems Teachers Ask For. Published by: F.A. Publishing Company Dansville, N.Y. My Aunt Hazel gave it to me in the 1960s. Strangely, there is no publishing date in the book, but it is so old it is yellowed and fragile.
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