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elchupakabra

Dating years 1951-1953 by kleck140
Chapter 10 of the book If You Only Knew

Excellent
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I was so concerned at the beginning, it literally sounds like a clown car with 10 people piled in lol. (Bill and Laurie, Lona, Eddie, Jane, Dan, Gladys, Don, Lucy and Mary Helen rode in Dan's car.)

I wondered if the Blue Skirt Waltz you danced to for the first time was Frankie Yankovic's original version or perhaps Bobby Vinton's remastered version. I imagine it would be the latter, it was the more popularized version.

Curfew at 2am? HAHAHAHAHA - my parents would never.

I could keep going, I really love this piece, it's like a shot back in time and comparing to my childhood in the 90's is a trip. Keep up the excellent work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020

Barkeep Philosophy. by Mastery
Chapter 13 of the book The Deceivers

Excellent
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Another excellent chapter, sorry I've been away for a minute, been dealing with a cold and haven't much felt up to computer screens besides forced work lol. Anyways, I digress, great work on this chapter, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020

Answered Prayer by AnnieDawn
Chapter 6 of the book Poems By AnnieDawn

Good
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I really wanted to give this five stars but there are some crucial mistakes throughout the piece. First, I get that you're trying to hammer home that the little girl cannot move or speak or cry, but I got that by the end of the first paragraph, and we're three paragraphs in, more than halfway through the story, and you're still on about this, with grammatical errors to boot. Then we get to the climax of the story and it's

Maybe (Perhaps works better here) that was what she should try. Yes, she couldn't cry, she couldn't crawl(.) but she could whisper (pray instead of whisper gets your point across better). A simple (She prayed/whispered simply) "Jesus please take this pain out of my tummy" was her whispered prayer. (odd phrasing, remove as the effect is given with the open)

The pain was gone (dissipated elevates the phrasing over 'was gone') in a matter of seconds. It just melted away. Jesus does answer prayer(s)! She immediately got up (she should still sell that she was in excruciating pain like 2 seconds ago, maybe 'Slowly, but assuredly, she rose to her feet and ran inside to tell Mommy what had happened)

There were several other notes/rewrites I would make to elevate the piece but it is at it's core a good idea. Good luck in the contest, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

A Trip to Mars by Lisa Wharton

Excellent
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I have several challenges with the piece but the idea is there. I thought the opening was a bit clunky, I think you could be more descriptive than 'the red planet' which seemed oddly literal as opposed to a reference because it was preceded by calling it Mars. I also found bits of the dialogue to be a touch overly enthusiastic, like a pushy shopkeeper as opposed to genuine excitement. Good work nonetheless, good luck in the contest. Thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020
Read and reviewed with blinders on.

Deal by Candlelight - 1900 by Pantygynt
Chapter 38 of the book The Maid of the Mill

Excellent
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The continuation of this piece is much like it's predecessors, expertly crafted and fine tuned. There is so much detail to keep straight and you do a marvelous job of that. Great work overall, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 13-Sep-2020

AmaZing Animals - X by sandramitchell
Chapter 24 of the book AmaZing Animals

Excellent
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Another excellent continuation of the entire work, I really think you've hit on something here and I'm almost sad to see it drawing to a close. Looking forward to Y and Z, keep up the great work, later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 08-Sep-2020

St. Louis Chapter 35 part 2 by barbara.wilkey
Chapter 82 of the book St Louis

Excellent
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This is an excellent continuation of the work, I like that you take the time to break up longer chapters into two parts for the reader. Really well done overall, keep up the great work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 08-Sep-2020

Turn of the Century - 1900 by Pantygynt
Chapter 37 of the book The Maid of the Mill

Excellent
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This continued work is one of my favorites on site for it's technical prowess, despite it not really being my normal type of reading material (more of a true crime/horror guy). Keep up the excellent work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 08-Sep-2020

My Only Love by A. Louise Robertson

Excellent
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There are some big problems with this piece, the first is: I loved him and I loved his baby long before she was born, which is why my life was shattered when his mother called me to say that Bobby was missing in action. (which is why strikes me as by the way, oh by the way, my life was shattered when I got that call. To help convey the feeling of devastation, I would separate this line; My life was shattered when his mother called me and told me he was MIA.)

Also, besides the missing quotation at the end, the letter feels a bit jumbled too. It wouldn't be 'in a landmine' but having stepped 'on a landmine', and it just lacks a certain, oomph, given the emotion you're trying to convey.

Still thought the idea was solid. Good work and good luck in the contest. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 08-Sep-2020

Forks in the Road by lancellot

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Well this is weird, I clicked on this by mistake and it opened, I thought I was still blocked from 7 years ago lol.

Anyways, this is a good story, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written by elchupakabra on 08-Sep-2020


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