An Unwilling Sacrifice
Chapter 16 of the book Lost In The Echo
I have always been so jealous of people who can write in this particular tense. I personally can't, I get too hung up on past tense. But you darling are very good at it. I will be around to review more of your work(not for points and fan dollars). So far I really like how Vesper's character is portrayed, you can connect with her which makes this a much easier story to read.
There only a limited things I saw that could be tightened up.
The thought unnerves me and I start trembling anxiously - I always say be careful with start. She starts to tremble.... Does she or not? I would suggest tightening this up to read out. (The thought unnerves me, making my body tremble anxiously)
It's so quick, that I stumble into one of its legs, the long bristly hairs pricking me. It hurts, but I don't let out a sound. It's a small price to pay when I know I'm doing the right thing. - Comma misplacement here. (It's so quick that I stumble into one of its hind legs. Coarse hairs prick my face, but I ignore them daring not to make any sound of protest.)
I have to really put my shoulder into it, but together it works. The creature rolls onto its side and scrambles to its six feet. - This can confuse many readers. It has six feet? Or is it six feet tall? If the former, than disregard. If the latter, we can tighten this up. (Using my shoulder, I heave into it with as much strength as I can muster. The creature lazily rolls to its side before scrambling to its feet, flaunting its towering height.)
Or... If it has six feet... (Using my shoulder, I heave into it with as much strength as I can muster. The creature lazily rolls to its side before scrambling to six feet and flaunting its towering height.)
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 26-Aug-2015