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JaseDR85

I'm Going Home by Tegan1311
Chapter 18 of the book Lost In The Echo

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very visually descriptive, and very well written. I saw no issues here, great use of showing vs telling. It was also very colorful as well, great imagery. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 31-Aug-2015

Consuming Light by Tegan1311
Chapter 17 of the book Lost In The Echo

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Another outstanding chapter, very visual ad crisp. I do have a few suggestions for you, however.

As I stare at her, my chest feels heavy, - FEEEEEEL??? Know that if I review something I am going to call you out on every single feel you put in. Your chest feels heavy... What's that feel like? (As I stare at her, my chest fills with concrete growing heavy,)

I feel the woman's eyes - This is up for debate since the thought you're conveying is in fact she is staring at you. But feel.... feel feel feel. Erase that from your vocabulary now as a writer. HOWEVER. In this context I see what you mean, again. But if you use feel, make it powerful. (I can feel the woman's eyes rover over me, tingling my skin with each passing gaze.)

Feeling less fearful, my attention - The fear in me fades as my attention...

Something wet leaks from my ears and nose. - Just a suggestion, but I would change this to. (Something warm leaks from my ears and nose) In the following sentence you state there is blood, which is wet. Warm gives that feeling it emotion.

FEEEELs. No good. Show, don't tell. Outside of those everything else was good to go! Keep up the great work!

Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 29-Aug-2015

An Unwilling Sacrifice by Tegan1311
Chapter 16 of the book Lost In The Echo

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I have always been so jealous of people who can write in this particular tense. I personally can't, I get too hung up on past tense. But you darling are very good at it. I will be around to review more of your work(not for points and fan dollars). So far I really like how Vesper's character is portrayed, you can connect with her which makes this a much easier story to read.

There only a limited things I saw that could be tightened up.
Examples.

The thought unnerves me and I start trembling anxiously - I always say be careful with start. She starts to tremble.... Does she or not? I would suggest tightening this up to read out. (The thought unnerves me, making my body tremble anxiously)

It's so quick, that I stumble into one of its legs, the long bristly hairs pricking me. It hurts, but I don't let out a sound. It's a small price to pay when I know I'm doing the right thing. - Comma misplacement here. (It's so quick that I stumble into one of its hind legs. Coarse hairs prick my face, but I ignore them daring not to make any sound of protest.)

I have to really put my shoulder into it, but together it works. The creature rolls onto its side and scrambles to its six feet. - This can confuse many readers. It has six feet? Or is it six feet tall? If the former, than disregard. If the latter, we can tighten this up. (Using my shoulder, I heave into it with as much strength as I can muster. The creature lazily rolls to its side before scrambling to its feet, flaunting its towering height.)
Or... If it has six feet... (Using my shoulder, I heave into it with as much strength as I can muster. The creature lazily rolls to its side before scrambling to six feet and flaunting its towering height.)
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 26-Aug-2015

The Grand Prize by Shirley McLain
Chapter 25 of the book Princess Adele's Dragon

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Having come in so late in this book, the beginning of Adele's scene had me honestly believing she was perhaps being escorted by something other than criminals, that was a nice twist. The rest was well written, and maintains a snappy dialogue through out. Great use of showing vs telling. Keep up the great work!
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Aug-2015

Chapter Diecinueve, (19) Part Dos by barbara.wilkey
Chapter 57 of the book Texas Dream Catcher

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very nicely written chapter. Your dialogue is very snappy and clear to understand, and your showing vs telling is perfect. A good mix of action with dialogue, along with emotions. As well a very good piece to read story wise, feels realistic. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Aug-2015

Remembering Raindrops by Spiritual Echo
Chapter 34 of the book Ball Busters

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very nicely written, and very powerfully felt. This caught my interest early on and kept me in it throughout. I love your ability for interior dialogue and action, I am also impressed with your showing vs telling. Nicely written plot and hooks. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Aug-2015

Into the Light Part One by Jacob Collins

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Well, here we are and it is I reviewing your work. I have to say, you have a raw talent I am officially jealous of. I love reading in this tense, but I for some reason cannot write in it very well. A weakness I suppose. In any event, this was fantastic and gripping. I loved the twist, I loved the plot. You have a very clear understanding of showing vs telling. Very nicely written. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Aug-2015

What Happened to the Methodist Churc by Serendipity!
Chapter 3 of the book Two Mother's Twin Daughters

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very powerfully written piece. Excellently done from both a story and editing standpoint. While not overly religious myself, I understand the overall intent of religion, and without it we would all be living in a different world. Outside of this, your dialogue was nice and snappy, so it never seemed like the characters were poster board cutouts talking. An excellent blend of dialogue and action. Nicely written.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Aug-2015

My mysterious friend. P7 (out of 16) by musi

Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very well written piece. Your dialogue is very snappy, and the mixture of tags with action is perfect. You have a good grasp of showing vs telling as well. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Aug-2015

Rodvagg Quarry 5 by Dashjianta
Chapter 97 of the book Antonius

Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Very powerful, very crisp, and very well written. You have a very firm grasp on showing vs telling, in ways only professionals can accomplish. This is my first stumble upon your work, and it was very impressive. Keep up the fantastic work.
Comment Written by JaseDR85 on 17-Aug-2015


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