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 Category:  Humor Script
  Posted: June 20, 2021      Views: 36

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BethShelby is retired from the printing and commercial art field. She is married and has four children and three grandchildren. She and her husband presently live in Tennessee.

Painting, photography, and writing are her passion. She has ha - more...

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My appliances conspire behind my back.
"Kitchen Conspiracy" by BethShelby

I'm not sure If I should call this a script, but since my appliances seem to want the stage, I'm going to call it a script. The setting is my kitchen. The time is present day. 

I believe my kitchen appliances are communicating with each other behind my back at night. I imagine the conversation goes something like this.


Refrigerator to Microwave: I know you’re her favorite. You’re about the only one she pays any attention to any more.

Microwave: Oh, I wouldn’t say that.  I know she uses me more, especially in the morning, but the Coffee Maker is pretty popular too. She doesn’t totally ignore you. I see her opening your freezer at least once a day to get ice cream.

Refrigerator: Humph.. She barely looks at me. I have food in me growing green moss on top. Besides, I’ve got a serious problem going on with my icemaker. She never uses ice, and she forgot to turn it off. Ice-cubes went over the top before it stopped working and now all the ice is in one big chunk, and the pull out drawer is stuck and frosted over. I’m sure it is too late to salvage that part of me.

Coffee MakerI’m not so popular as you might think. She hardly ever cleans me. She only makes coffee twice a week, and then she puts a ton of ground coffee into the filter, so she can make what she calls 'coffee concentrate'. Then she adds a little water every day, so it lasts three of four days. She heats it in you every morning, Micro. She says this way she can have her morning fix in one minute instead waiting fifteen minutes to make fresh pot. You should hear the abuse I take when there isn’t enough coffee left in me for full cup in the morning.

Stove: Hey guys, don’t feel bad. My oven hasn’t been on since Christmas. She seldom uses my burner coils either.

DishwasherWell she doesn’t use me at all. I can’t remember the last time there were any dishes in me.  She just uses a cup and plate and washes them out herself. I don’t care anymore. At least, I won’t wear out this way. When her husband was alive, he got a fresh plate and cup, every time he walked in the kitchen. Those were the days.

Microwave: Ahh.. Guys, You’re breaking my heart. I’ve got an idea that might get a couple of you a little more attention.  I’ll just shut down so she can’t use me tomorrow.  Like you say, she loves me so much, she won’t stay mad for long.  At least, maybe I can get her to notice you’re having a serious problem with your ice-maker parts.

The next morning, I stumble from the bedroom into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I grab my cup and rinse away the lingering remnants of yesterday's coffee.. I grasp the handle of the glass pot from my coffeemaker and pour in a half cup of my coffee concentrate. I finish filling with water and stick the cup into the microwave.  I set the timer and hit the start button. Nothing happens. 

MeWhat the heck is going on with you?  You know I need my coffee fast.  I can only half see what I’m doing, and I don’t feel like dealing with you this morning.  

I start pushing buttons at random.  I get responses like: Set Clock, Defrost, Set Weight. Safety Lock, and Keep Warm.  I get everything except Start.

Me: Darn it! What’s wrong with you? You always work.  I don’t need this, this morning. I need to wake up. I need my coffee. Okay I’ll show you. There are other ways of heating coffee.

I move to the stove find a boiler and dump in the contents of my cup.  I turn on the burner and realize the wrong coil is heating.

ME: (muttering to my self) Idiots must design these stoves. Why do these controls have to be so complicated? I don’t use this stove enough to know which control heats which burner.

I cut off that control knob and try the one next to it. As the burner starts to heat, I sink into an empty chair and hold my aching head. Five minutes later the coffee is boiling. I pour it back into my cup. It is too hot to drink.

ME: (talking aloud to myself) I can't sit here waiting for this coffee to cool down. I need a cube of ice. That should do the trick.

I go to the refrigerator and put my cup under the spout of the ice dispenser and press. Nothing moves. Everything is frozen up.

Now I’m really upset. I open the freezer and look at the pull-out section that's covered with frost. A misshapen ice sculpture is protruding over the top. The section that holds the ice won’t come out. It is frozen in place. Now what do I do? The refrigerator is too heavy to move from the wall, so I can't unplug it. Maybe I’ll cut the temperature down and it will thaw. I set the control on one, which is as low as I can go, and now I wait.

Hours later, I’m able to get the shelf out and and dump the mountain of ice into the sink. I wash the frost away and  put it back in place and it works fine.  Now it is lunch time. Time to put a potato in the microwave for my meal. Guess what. It works too.

ME: So now you're working, are you?  What was that stunt you pulled this morning? Don’t tell me you appliances don’t conspire to help each other out. Who knows what you all say about me when I'm sleeping.



Author Notes
This script came to mind yesterday when I tried to heat my coffee and found the microwave not working. What happened next called my attention to the fact my refrigerator had a serious problem. After that problem was solved, the microwave started working again. Go figure.
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