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 Category:  Humor Script
  Posted: April 1, 2015      Views: 18

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Currently reviewing my objects in life, so writing is taking a back seat, it's kicked into the long grass, it's having a break, it's finding some space, it's looking for stronger roots, it's thinking up a new tune to pl - more...

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RADIO: Pantomime planning meeting.
"The Serpent and the Jolly Bride." by RichardFann

The Serpent and the Jolly Bride


[Brian, Carla and Debbie meet in a bar to plan the Christmas Panto.
Background sounds of conversations, glasses chinking. An occasional chair is moved.]

We don't need all these props.

Why not, Brian?

Because the panto's in Packington Village Hall this year,
and all our usual props need to be dropped. There isn't the room.
So no horse, no camel, and no serpent.

But your serpent is the show stopper. We must keep that.

We could have an imaginary serpent.

No we couldn't. You cannot tell the children there's a serpent,
then tell them it's imaginary. That wouldn't be fair.

There's no room backstage so why not have the serpent come in
through the main door?

That would frighten the living daylights out of the kids, with it's gurgling,
hissing, sucking noises, and real flames coming out of its nose.

No, no, no. And it's a fire hazard as well.

Not a problem. Unfortunate that last year, on the final night,
you were ill and your replacement didn't switch off the
serpent's fire mechanism properly. Then next day we found out that
the theatre had mysteriously burned down in the night.

Thank God we got all the props out into our garage immediately after the show.

I can see I'm out-voted. Ok, I give in. We keep the serpent,
we train a stand-in, but we definitely chop the horse and the camel.

That sounds so cruel.

You write the script then, Carla. Leave out all the cruelty. After all our
pantos were getting a bit predictable. In the last scene all the characters
and animals either got executed, poisoned, or grilled alive by the serpent.
If we keep the serpent, what's the other main character?

A jolly bride?

'No, no, no. This is a children's show. And we can't do the
fairy princess and the charming prince. We need to be original
to get a good score from the visiting drama judges.

What's wrong with a jolly bride? She would be a brilliant character.
A big fat woman, not necessarily young. A widow even. She can have
all the panto features - a raucous voice, out of tune songs,
a big red nose, yellow knickerbockers with pink spots,
and an oversize red blouse.

And an orange hat with peacock feathers.

'Ok, ok, ok, I relent. I can see I'm out-voted again. She could be played
by someone with a mouth organ, squeaky shoes, and farts a lot.

Well there's plenty of them around.

Don't look at me!

At the moment I'm only writing it, not producing it.
The plot could be the jolly bride-to-be is head over heels for a
six foot five hunk of a football player, turned banker, called Sebastian Hardwicke,
after watching him go for a swim in the village pond -
All we would need are the sound effects.

I'm glad about that. It saves us from building an indoor pool to wheel on and off stage.

Brian, this is a serious meeting. All the time you're either blocking or taking the Mick.

They're about to get solemnly married, in the village hall,
when someone shouts out:

'There's that bankrupt chapter eleven American banker who has left
a string of ex's all across Texas.'

He shouts 'I'm busted' and runs out.

She runs out after him, tackles him to the floor, drags him back
despite his flying fists, his kicking and screaming, and says
'I still love you. All is forgiven,' and she gives him a passionate kiss.

Then the serpent runs in again and torches the flowers, the wooden table,
the rings, and the Registrar.

They get married using a voice video from an Apple Tablet.

The happy couple forgive the exuberant serpent, and exit through the main door
to the Zadok the Priest, with the serpent following on, gurgling, hissing
and breathing fire on the children, and the jolly bride is making
noises from under her dress.

That would be a beautiful and emotional ending.


Author Notes

Thanks for the pic.

This is a homework exercise from my Writers' Group.

Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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