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 Category:  General Fiction
  Posted: May 13, 2019      Views: 42

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Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of sexual content.
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted
Nasty ol' joke
"The Westering Starlot" by LIJ Red



Lay Sister Delilah decided it was time to defecate or dismount the chamber untensil. Her decision was triggered by her longsuffering beau's abrupt departure for parts unknown.

Her truluv, Hughie, asked that evil old scoundrel, Ellijay Red, how he could tell if Delilah was "pure."

Red replied, "What does she call your male attribute?"

"Well, I haven't heard her say, yet." Hughie said.

"If she calls it a goobie or wee wee, she's a homegirl. If she calls it a prick or a pecker, look out, lad."

So, in the back seat that very night, Hughie exposed himself, and drowned out the katydids asking, "What would you call that, my lambsiepoo?"

"Oh, such a dainty weewee!" Delilah gushed.

Hughie gave a long sigh of relief, and Delilah asked, "What?"

"Just glad you didn't call my manhood a prick."

"Prick? Lord no, a prick is one of them big ol' maulheaded thangs like Studley Hungwell's got."

Hughie vanished like the breeze.

He left the forty dollar ring and his jalopy that wouldn't crank in Delilah's ma's yard.

Delilah gave Dix Davenpote the ring and skull to make the jalopy run. Then she followed her dream, west on highway 40. She was gonna put Julia Parton and Dolly Roberts in the shade, out there in Hollywood. She was a right pretty thing, but moved her mouth when she read.

The old reprobate, Ellijay, said, "To make Delilah's eyes sparkle, shine a flashlight in her ear."

The jalopy, somewhere among the Hopis and Navahoes. made like Old Faithful, blew a geyser of steam and did cease and desist all sound and motion.

Delilah kicked it, and cussed it, and got her thrift store suitcase and started walking.

A young native American brave on a runty horse came out of the wasteland and down the shoulder of the road. He asked Delilah if she wanted a ride. She hid her suitcase in the sagebrush and rode post as the heathen savage cantered on toward the next small town. He dug his heels into the horse's ribs and rode faster and faster. They passed the city limit signs(both on one post) at a dead run, and entered the town. The red man gave a wild war whoop.

He dismounted, helped Delilah down, set the pony to drinking, and sat down in a chair on the old-fashioned general store's porch, panting.

Jimbo Williams, a lot like Dix Davenpote, quid of cut plug and black nails, said he'd look at her car. Then he asked, "What was the matter with old Snoring Terrapin, riding like that on a hot day like this?"

"I haven't a clue. He was fine at first, but as we rode, he got faster and faster until it was all I could do to hang onto the saddle horn. He went crazy, like."

Jimbo spat and grinned. "You know them injuns ride bareback, don't ya?"

So Delilah negotiated with Jimbo, and he threw his toolbox on his old Ford stakebed. Snoring Terrapin asked for a lift, so Jimbo let him walk his pony up on the truckbed, beside the winch. They roared out of town 'twards the fallen jalopy..

The sun was pissed, trying to fry the land. Jimbo wound the old flathead up to sixty, The long gearshift vibrated, ringing like Janis Joplin.

"You burn carriage up. Kill it like intellectually challenged blonde invader of extremely suspect moral character kill hers." Snoring Terrapin worried, looking at the dancing heat under the white-hot sky.

"Nah,"Jimbo said. "Speed helps the undersized fan. The faster ya go, the cooler she runs. More air a-movin'."

"Ugh." said Snoring Terrapin.

"Stop! Stop! My suitcase." Delilah squalled.

The horse was restive, wanting off the whining, roaring, smoking old truck. Snoring Terrapin had a brain fart, "We ride pony again, Jimbo go ahead and fix weird carriage. You hang on good and tight."

Delilah giggled, threw the suitcase on the truck, and waved Jimbo onward. She and Terrap mounted up and rode beside the road Jimbo had taken.

Rode faster and faster. Then more faster yet, trailing a rising dustcloud circled by curious buzzards.

Delilah hung on, and soon cried, "The horse is all foamy. Slow down."

"Jimbo say faster the cooler. Yeeheeehaa!" yelled Snoring Terrapin.

They reached the Jalopy, where Jimbo was fuddling under the hood, coverall armpit sweatstains nearing his asshole.

The two dismounted. The horse tottered sideways and toppled into the ditch, legs in the air, kicking feebly and slower....

"Huh," growled Snoring Terrapin. "Sumbitch froze to death."
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