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 Category:  Humor Poetry
  Posted: April 2, 2020      Views: 49

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 ABOUT
MARK VALENTINE 
"Like every book I never wrote, it is by far the best book I've ever written."

G. K. Chesterton

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a contest entry
"The House Call" by Mark Valentine
The doc came to visit:
“I’ve bad news”
“What is it?”
“Your lab tests came back, and the fact is…gee whiz, it’s
The worst that I’ve seen.”

“Is it Covid 19? But we stay here all day in the house quarantined!
Oh, how I’m desirous of days before-virus,
Before those damned spores set their minds to expire us. “

 
The doc shook his head, then he said to her dread,
“Oh no, it’s not Covid, it’s much worse instead.
The sitch here is critical, something inimical,
Some blast from the past on a scale that is biblical,
Is quizzically, physically, plaguing your house.
Maybe some sins of your children or spouse
Have gone unconfessed and must now be redressed,
Lest this festering pestilence wipe out your nest.
That’s just my best guess, but I sense you are stressed,
So, I’ll just read the text summarizing my tests:
 
 
“Your babies have rabies -- no ifs, buts, or maybes,
And not only that, but your eldest has scabies.
The dog has the gout, and a mole on his snout,
And I think Janie’s tonsils will have to come out.
The worst news, I dread, is, unless I misread
These lab tests, it seems that your husband is dead.”

 
“The man that I wed, is now dead in his bed?”
“Yes, that is the upshot of what I just said.
Didn’t you notice the absence of life?”
 

“I guess that I should’ve, me being his wife.
But he’s never been what you would call ‘energetic’.
He’s so unathletic, it’s almost pathetic.”

“He was in a coma, cuz he's diabetic.”
 

“I know it sounds crazy, I thought him just lazy.
It's not the first time he's lied still for days, gee,
And now you inform me he’s pushing up daisies?
He’s toast, like that ghost from the movie with Swayze?”

 
“That’s true, he’s deceased - mortal coil’s been released.
Too late for the doctor, too late for a priest.
And let’s not forget that your kids aren’t well.            
Brought to their knees by disease, they now dwell
In a virtual cell, waiting for the death knell
Of the bell that will tell them they’re headed for hell.”

 
“Oh, what am I, some kind of modern-day Job?
Subjected to some kind of sadistic probe?
Unluckiest gal who inhabits this globe?”

She said with a sigh as she untied her robe.
 
And though he had seen naked bodies before,
The doc was so shocked that his jaw hit the floor.
“What are you doing? I shouldn’t be viewing
The things that I see.”
 

“Oh, don’t go misconstruing,
It’s just that it’s time for my yearly exam.
I’m thinking I might need a new diaphragm.
Besides all the others who live here are sick,
Perhaps you should check me with your great big, um… instrument.”

                                                                                                                                        
“Which instrument’s that? You mean my stethoscope?
Her eyes were beguiling, she smiled and said “Nope.
I’m pretty sure I have no tuberculosis,
What I need most is a dosage of closeness”

 
What could the doc do, he had taken an oath?
And so, this poem ends happily for them both.

 

This is serious writing prompt entry

Writing Prompt
Write a poem of any type that treats a serious subject as humor.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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© Copyright 2016. Mark Valentine All rights reserved.
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