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 Category:  General Fiction
  Posted: December 24, 2019      Views: 51

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A Contest Entry
"Absurd is an Understatement" by Sandra Elizabeth Williams

"This is absurd!" I said exasperatedly. It just did not make any sense at all. In fact, I lamented to no one in particular, if I wanted a pet I would have gone out and bought myself a dog. There were so many cute ones that were just waiting to be taken to someone's home and be trained. Or I could get myself a cat. I had seen videos of cats...and dogs, on Facebook looking so adorable, playful and loving. Better yet, I could get myself a dog AND a cat. I could make my own videos of them doing awesome tricks and just being their adorable selves. There would be many 'likes' and 'shares'. I could use the opportunity to create an Instagram account. Or a Twitter account. Who knows, the President of the US, Donald Trump, and former President, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama (she is such an animal lover) might be impressed and 'follow' me! I dreamt about it...the possibilities were endless. But reality brought me back to my current situation.

I thought, after having children and going through the potty training routine, then successfully getting them, especially my last, to carry out the associated activities in the toilet on his own and the clean up job afterwards, my job in that department was finished. But no! I was getting up every day cleaning poo...from places one would least expect. The washroom floor. My bedroom floor. My bay windowsills. Even the kitchen counter and the top of my car! I had had it up to my neck already! I was not going to put up with it anymore. If only I knew what to do, I thought in despair.

I did not want to be guilty of cruelty, but, who would know? I thought that if I asked someone to do it for me, technically, it wouldn't be me and I would not be guilty. I researched the Internet on how to carry out the elimination. Different strategies were presented, but I needed only one. But I was fearful. I couldn't stand the bloody things so how was I going to carry out this elimination? And who was going to clean THAT mess up? I felt my despair grow then subside. Planning the elimination was turning into an obsession for me. I couldn't wait to put my plan into action. It was Thursday night. Excitedly I went to bed. Friday I would execute.

I awoke before dawn on Friday. I looked up in the ceiling and caught a slight movement. I switched on the lamp and sure enough, there were two lizards trekking across my ceiling in a playful fashion. I jumped from the bed in such a haste I almost hit the lamp from the night table. By this time they had disappeared to where, I did not know. Fun time was over.

I waited for about half an hour but neither of them resurfaced. I bunkered down again and turned off the lamp. No sooner had I done so when I saw a movement in the ceiling. I waited about five minutes then switched the lamp on again. The lizards stopped in their tracks, taken by surprise. But the surprise did not last long. They then darted toward one end of the ceiling and disappeared into a crevice. It was now a game of hide and seek.

I decided to leave the room for a while. I went to fetch a can of insect spray from under the kitchen sink to take out the reptiles. I waited approximately twenty minutes and returned, spray can in hand.

It was my turn to be surprised because in my short absence the lizards had relocated to my bedroom floor. They did not hurry away upon seeing me, but instead looked at me as if we were friends before they crawled away in slow motion, leaving...you guessed it...bits of lizard poo behind. I threw my hands up in exasperation. I had indeed acquired unusual pets. Lizards of all the things. Absurd was an understatement.

I put away the can of insect spray, got some tissue and started cleaning up the droppings from the disgusting lizards that refused to leave my home. There was no point in eliminating them. God only knows how many others were hiding in the crevice. They were feeding themselves in my home and had established some sort of friendship with my bedroom. I thought, I might as well tie on them name brand leashes and walk them in the neighbourhood (though they were not anywhere as large as iguanas). I might as well take selfies with them too!

This is absurd... contest entry

Author Notes
Thank you Cleo85, for the use of your artwork.
Pays one point and 2 member cents. Artwork by cleo85 at FanArtReview.com

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