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 Category:  General Script
  Posted: January 16, 2020      Views: 67
Chapters:
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CRYSTIECOOKIE999 

Have English B.A. with Creative Writing Emphasis from the University of Utah. Came back to Fanstory.com after 6 years gone to practice more genres of writing and get writing prompt ideas. I have written over 1500 poems, twenty songs, and sixteen scr - more...

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Chapter 4 of the book The Legend of John Shane
humorous western script scene 4
"A1S4 Legend of John Shane" by CrystieCookie999



Scene 4

JOHN and SHORTY are bedding down for the night in MARYANN's barn, with one or two bales or some scattered hay for the night. The two enter Stage Right and bring in one or two blankets each and spread them out on the ground over the hay, remove their hats and lay them aside on one bale of hay, and JOHN drops his saddle to the side of the stage. Intermittent faint to medium-loud mooing of cows can be heard as if coming from outside.

SHORTY
(Rubbing or scratching stomach.) Mm, mmm! That dinner Miss MaryAnn fixed us sure hit the spot! She may claim she can't run a whole farm by herself, but she sure knows how to cook!

JOHN
(Pauses to smile.) Yep, I don't know when I had apple pie like hers. (Back to business.) Well, let's get to bed. We gotta be ready to take on this Mr. Cole Black tomorrow, first thing. There's got to be a way for MaryAnn to get caught up on her payments, so maybe if I sleep on it, something will come to me.

SHORTY
(Yawns and stretches.) Yeah, well, at least we have a quiet night to look forward to. I'm lookin' forward to a good night's sleep. (Pulls off his boots, then reclines three quarters of the way on his blanket.) Say, aren't you gonna get some shut-eye?

JOHN
Uh, sure, sure. Hmm. (Pauses, walks to Stage Right, and peers offstage.)

SHORTY
What is it? Do ya see somethin'? (Yawns.)

JOHN
(In a low voice to SHORTY.) Hmm. I think I'll just take one more pass around the barn, and make sure everything is settled in for the night. I'll be right back. (Exits Stage Right.)

SHORTY
All right. (Turns to his side and pulls the corner of the blanket over his legs. Calls to offstage Right.) Good night, John boy.
(Lights dim over SHORTY.)

(SAM, WILLIE, IVAN, and PETE sneak on from Stage Left. All have cowboy hats on and colored bandit kerchiefs hiding their faces.)

SAM
(Pulls kerchief down a little so he can be heard. Speaks in a low voice.) All right, let's wait a few minutes until those hired hands and the girl we heard talkin' a while ago are sleepin', then let's move on out. You know what to do? (Replaces kerchief.)

(WILLIE, IVAN, and PETE nod silently. All four sneak across front of stage to exit Stage Right. At one point near center front stage SAM stops suddenly, and WILLIE and IVAN also stop, but PETE bumps into IVAN, who turns around and scowls as PETE sheepishly shrugs. IVAN pulls PETE's cowboy hat off and takes a swipe at PETE's head, then drops hat on the ground.)

IVAN
(In low voice.) Pete! You have the brain of an idiot!

PETE
(Sincerely.) Aw, gee, Ivan, I'm sorry. Do you want it back?

IVAN
(Dismisses PETE with a wave of one hand.) Aw.

SAM
(Lowers kerchief again.) Shhh! All right, then, let's go back and get our horses. (Replaces kerchief.)

(PETE picks up the hat and puts it back on his head, looking behind him to see if they are being followed, as all four exit Stage Right.)

SHORTY
(Sits up just as the four disappear offstage and looks after them. To AUDIENCE.) Hey, did I just hear somethin'? (Scratches head.) I coulda sworn I heard and smelled four ugly skunks passin' through. (Shrugs, and lies down again.)

(Sound of crickets chirping for a few seconds, then the sound of a gate squeaking open, then closing. A few more seconds of crickets chirping. Then the sound of four horse hoofbeats and wild cowboy calls comes from offstage, followed by a frenzy of mooing and cattle hoofbeats.)

SHORTY
(Shakes and wakes up, trying to get out from the tangle of blanket and hurriedly puts on his boots and his hat.) Oh, my goodness! Somebody's after the cows! It's cattle rustlers! John's gonna need some help! (Stumbles off Stage Right.)

(Sound of lariat circling in air offstage.)

JOHN
(Offstage.) Stand still! I've got you now!

WILLIE
(Offstage.) Hey! Let me out of here! Let go! Hey, where are you cowards goin'? Come back!

(Sound of a couple of "yee-haws" from PETE and SAM and retreating horse hoofbeats.)

JOHN
(Enters Stage Right, pulling WILLIE behind him with both hands. WILLIE is firmly tied with a lariat rope around her middle with arms secured either just above the elbows or just below them, and struggling in the opposite direction like a wildcat.) Now we can make this easy (grunts and pulls), or we can make this rough (grunts and pulls). But you're not gettin' your hands (grunts and pulls) on MaryAnn Claussen's cattle, and I'm gonna take you in to the sheriff, soon as I (grunts and pulls) get my hat. (Reaches out with one hand, grabs hat off hay bale, and puts it on.)

(SHORTY, joined by MARYANN, who is dressed in a long Victorian-style nightgown and robe, rush on from Stage Right, out of breath.)

MARYANN
Why, John! I can't believe you caught a cattle rustler red-handed!

WILLIE
(Indignant and distraught.) He didn't catch me! My gang turned yeller and left me!

SHORTY
(Wags finger at her in a scolding manner.) Now, little lady, don't go blamin' other people for your trouble!

MARYANN
(Scornful.) Yes, you ought to take responsibility for your actions.

WILLIE
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm One-Eyed Willie, the curse of the West, and the only reason you haven't had me fightin' back is cuz I'm all trussed up here! (Struggles in lariat again.)

JOHN
Ah, settle down. You ain't sufferin' more than any other heifer I've roped.

WILLIE
(Twice as indignant as before.) Heifer? You're callin' me a heifer? Now don't make me get ugly!

MARYANN
(Disdainfully, as she looks WILLIE up and down.) Well, it's too late now.

JOHN
(To WILLIE.) Aw, simmer down. I'm gonna leave you in the hands of Shorty here, until I can get a couple of horses saddled up to haul you into town. (To MARYANN and SHORTY.) It's gonna take me a little while to finish roundin' up those loose cows and get a horse saddled up. I think this Willie's horse couldn't have got too far away. So I'll be back as soon as I can, if I can make my way in the dark here.

MARYANN
Oh, Mr. Shane, I mean, John. You're a lifesaver! How can I ever thank you? You and Shorty here are an answer to prayer!

SHORTY
(Tips hat.) Shucks, ma'am, it's just part of the job.

JOHN
It's our pleasure, MaryAnn. All right, Shorty. (Hands his end of the lariat over to SHORTY.) You keep an eye on One-Eyed Willie here until I get back. And if she gives you any trouble, I reckon MaryAnn here will be glad to loan you a cattle brandin' iron that you can use on her hindquarters.

WILLIE
(Shrieks, stops struggling, then hurriedly sits down.) You ain't brandin' me!

JOHN
Oh, that's better. (To MARYANN). Say, I'm gonna need another rope and whatever saddles you can let me use.

MARYANN
Of course, I'll come with you to get them. And thank you ever so much! (Flirtatiously.) You know, I could get used to havin' you around, John.

JOHN
(Flirtatious, but respectful.) Well, MaryAnn, I know I could get used to bein' around you. (Tips hat.) Well, shall we be off? (Offers MARYANN his arm, which she accepts.)

(JOHN and MARYANN exit Stage Right.)

SHORTY
(To WILLIE.) Humph! Now I gotta babysit the likes of you instead of sleepin' tonight. Or I coulda been readin' The Post, but I gotta keep my eye on you so you don't get away.

WILLIE
The post? You read a wooden post? Now that's just plain silly.

SHORTY
It ain't a wooden post, duh. It's The Logan Post. It's for German, Swiss, and Austrian residents here in Logan. I love to read, and I'm learnin' German, if it's anything to ya.

WILLIE
(Insecure.) Well, I don't know how to read. But even if I did know how to read, I wouldn't read somethin' you use in the outhouse. Ugh! I still can't believe I got caught when the boys left me behind. You can bet I'm gonna complain to the boss about this.

SHORTY
(Suddenly alert.) And who is your boss?

WILLIE
Oh, no! You think you're gonna find out who put us up to this, do you? Well, sometimes a woman knows how to keep secrets! So there!

SHORTY
Oh, yeah? Well, I'll tell you a secret if you'll tell me a secret.

WILLIE
No way! Never! There ain't no chance of that. You ain't got a cricket's chance in a flock of Mormon seagulls of makin' any deals with me! (Pauses.) Uh, what kind of secret?

SHORTY
Well, how about this. I'll tell you my real name, if you tell me yours.

WILLIE
Well, I guess that's safe enough. So what's your real name, Shorty?

SHORTY
Hey, only my friends get to call me Shorty. My enemies have to call me by my full name.

WILLIE
(Matter-of-fact.) Oh. Well, then, since I'm your enemy, what's your full name?

SHORTY
(Stands a little taller.) It's Bartholomew Vanderhoffenschmidt.

WILLIE
(Impressed.) Really? That's such an, uh, important-sounding name. Like a German prince or somethin'.

SHORTY
Yeah, my ma thought so, too. All right then. It's your turn. Is your real name Willie, or is it something else? Like Wilma or Wilhelmina, maybe?

WILLIE
Nope. Neither one of those. My mama named me after the Willamette (wil-LAM-et) River in Oregon Territory. My real name is Willametta.

SHORTY
Say, it seems like your ma and my ma both liked long first names.

WILLIE
Yep. (Sigh.) Well, I guess I should be glad I didn't get arrested for stealin' horses, just cattle tonight. At least this way I'm just gonna end up spendin' time in jail, instead of bein' hung.

SHORTY
You've gone and stolen horses before?

WILLIE
No! I ain't admittin' to horse thievin'. Course, I mighta borrowed one or two, but only in the case of dire need, mind you!

SHORTY
I see, so ya do have some principles. Haven't you ever thought of goin' straight? Settlin' down and raisin' a family?

WILLIE
A family? Who'd want to have a family with the likes of me?

SHORTY
(A little self-conscious.) Well, I mean, that is, ya know, you don't have that bad of figure even if you do dress and talk like an outlaw.

WILLIE
(Taken aback.) I do? Funny, nobody's ever said anything nice about my figure before. Most of the time I ignore it, and I just do my best to look like one of the boys.

SHORTY
All I'm sayin' is, you don't have to live the life ya do. You got other prospects.

WILLIE
Oh, and I suppose you'd come courtin' after me if I was livin' straight?

SHORTY
(Shrugs.) It's not so crazy, is it?

WILLIE
Huh! I don't believe you. 'Sides, you aren't supposed to go makin' friends with the likes of me. You just stop talkin' now, and don't give me a reason to look at yer handsome face anymore. (Turns face toward Stage Right.)

SHORTY
(Taken by surprise.) Handsome? (Grins, then it's back to business.) All right, have it your way. (Turns his face to Stage Left.)

(Both freeze. Lights down.)

The script continues with A1S5 Legend of John Shane. We will provide a link to it when you review this below.

Author Notes
Just a repeat, the full name of this script is: The Legend of John Shane-Tale of the Rustlers' Trace. Also, a reminder that One-Eyed Willie is a FEMALE.
"yeller"=yellow, or cowardly
"You ain't got a cricket's chance in a flock of Mormon seagulls of makin' any deals with me!"--This refers to an event in 1848, documented by several eye-witnesses, about hordes of ugly grasshoppers/crickets being eaten by California seagulls arriving just in time to save some of the Mormons' crops in the Salt Lake Valley, after the Mormon pioneers prayed for assistance. Which goes to prove not only the power of prayer, but also that Mormon crops taste amazing, and California seagulls sometimes get inspired as to where to go to find a good cricket buffet.
Pays one point and 2 member cents. Artwork by seshadri_sreenivasan at FanArtReview.com

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